Monday, June 16, 2014

Working without

(My rats, Remi, Gizmo, and Sora)

I've always thought I'd make a good photographer someday because I thought that being in love with it was enough. I've always had anxiety, I even remember when I was really little having nightmares about being an embarrassment to my friends and family, I even vaguely remember having a mild panic attack. This never really prevented me from doing a lot of things, though, I did try to avoid being noticed or doing anything to bring attention to myself. My first semester in college is where I felt my first real battle with anxiety. I took a lot of convincing to get the college to allow me to take a digital photography class, since it was outside of my major, but they did allow me to after all. In the class, I'd learn some basic concepts, and I also discovered how incredibly picky and unrealistic people can be. I'd work really hard to get a satisfying photograph, but the teacher never once, seemed pleased with my work. I was never good enough. Photography, something that I did because it pleased me, was no longer about me, but what other's thought. This deeply changes it for me, I was no longer trying to do what I thought was nice, but what I thought others might think is nice. This is absurd. Photography became a chore, and not a pleasure.

(Close-up image of a leaf I took)

A few semester went by and I didn't think much of photography again. That is, until I saw that they were offering a fine art photography, and commercial photography course. In these classes; some passion of what I used to feel did return to me. I found an amazing mentor. (James Daigle) James taught me how to really love what I was doing. I felt like I could be good at this, I felt like I could actually have a career in this. I found a happy balance where I could take photographs that I, and others both enjoyed. My heart would flutter with excitement every class; I always wanted to learn something new. Unfortunately my heaven was only temporary. I've always had trouble speaking up or sharing my thoughts to people in person. So often times in class I'd have something to say but I didn't say anything at all. I was too nervous that I'd say something dumb or embarrass myself. Sometimes models would come to the class, and my social issues became worse because directing a person to do something in a certain way made me feel anxious. I didn't know them; they were a stranger to me. I didn't want them to think I was weird or worse. This is when my anxiety was actually disabling me from learning. I was just too scared to interact,so I skipped classes sometimes.

(Stephanie Albro)

I would often be called out to events or people would contact my facebook, asking me to do events for them. I'd always want to, but never did. I'd never feel like I could preform well enough to make them happy, and/or often times just the thought of meeting new people would cause enough anxiety that I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I started taking photographs of nature, bugs, animals, pets, trees, everything that wasn't a person, but I was never able to really take that and go anywhere. Soon I started to think that people were probably laughing at me for standing in weird ways while taking a photo, or just staring at me like I'm an idiot. Though, none of it is probably true, that's just what anxiety is though; taking something so mundane and completely blowing it up in your head to some unrealistic reasoning. Anxiety constantly disables me from doing a lot of things I'd like to do. Even though I know that most of the time my thoughts are not justified, it is still inhabilitating. I can't even go for a walk sometimes. Its extremely nerve-wrecking for me to try new things, and even harder for me to apply for a job. Also needless to say, but I don't really pick up my camera much anymore because of it.

No comments:

Post a Comment