Monday, June 16, 2014

Something little but also; vastly grand

I often try to explain to people what it means for me to suffer from depression, or why I'm depressed. So I've decided to write about it here.

I suffer from severe depressive disorder, and its not in relation to what whiny teenagers or adults exclaim their feelings as. The depression I suffer from is far different. Most people these days associate depression with sadness, but the misconception here is that its not in relation with sadness. Its more like 'hopelessness'.  I feel not sad, nor happy, I feel like an empty shell, which might appear as sadness, but it does not allow me to cope with life. There are days so bad where I don't get out of bed, talk, or even eat.  I often feel like my entire existence is a waste of oxygen, and that the world is better off with out me.

Instead of saying that I have good days and bad days, I think its more accurately described as coping and not coping. Often people claim that happiness is a state of mind, and I agree. If one can think, and be mindful with happiness in tow then; one can be truly happy. But the question here is; What if there is something chemically wrong with your brain that turns that off?  Much like a light switch, that is how fast it can change. I could be having a really wonderful day and feel happiness, and the next day for no reason at all I could feel like I am a useless and miserable. There are days when just getting out of bed is extremely difficult. This also makes it hard for me to keep a job or work hard, because I'll often feel like I'm never good enough, or that I'm more of a burden then an asset.

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Finding a way to cope with it can slowly bring you out of funk and back to life. All my life my biggest escape was video games. I could sink my teeth into them, get lost in the lore, and magic of whatever other world I could live in the game that; I could come back to life again. I would no longer feel like I was a burden, the hopelessness would leave, and I could be a human being again. My biggest "therapy game" was Harvest Moon, or really anything Natsume Inc created. You could say that the 3Ds was my therapy pet. I would usually bring it with me everywhere when I was feeling the worse, and I'd always be playing harvest moon. In the game; I could take care of animals, garden, and start a family, though that might seem mundane to some of you, this is what my ideal life would be. Having a farm, family, and animals, to care others. This game allows me to take a peek into that world, a world in which I very much wish to have of my own someday. It helps me cope, to be hopeful, that someday I could life that live for real.
Imagine having a key to a normal life. Thats what my 3DS was for me. I had the special red pokemon 3DS, with a lot of games, pokemon x and y, animal crossing, every natsume game released (Yumi's Odd Odyssey, Hometown Story, Harvestmoon: A New Begining [I probably have at least 900 hours of playtime in this game] Harvest Moon: The tale of two towns, Gabrielle's Ghostly Groove!,Reel Fishing: Paradise 3D, Rune Factory 1, 2, 3, and 4, Harvest Moon Grand Bazaar, Sunshine islands, Island of happiness) Zelda: A link between worlds, and finally bravely default.

Recently all this was stolen from me; gone. The only key I have to coping, and recovering back into a normal life is gone. My relationships are getting strained because I'm having a lot of difficultly just trying to push myself to function as a normal person. Sometimes it seems as if I'm un-empathetic, as opposed to my usual extremely empathetic self. This last month, I spent more time laying in bed then anything else, and that used to be considered my bad days, now on my bad days, I just sleep.

You know that feeling when you're trapped inside your own mind and the walls are falling apart? I'm living that.

Its highly unlikely that I'll be able to replace what I've lost, and I can only wish that whoever stole it from me can return it.. I wouldn't even be mad. I just want it back.


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  2. Imagine having a key to a normal life. What a great line. I think it's great you're sharing how video games offer an escape from reality. I know so many people that use them for that purpose. I can't believe someone stole your stuff! Where did they steal it at? from your house?

    1. I'm pretty sure they stole it right out of the car. it was really shocking to be honest.